Dystopia 「絶望」

Here comes Roger Wilco Jr,Sr,XP (now vista compatible), Phd, MD, Bsc (Hons), etc., again! Today we discuss about Dystopia, which according to a dictionary is defined as "a society characterized by human misery, as squalor, oppression, disease, and overcrowding."

Roger Wilco Jr,Sr..(etc) disagrees however, because he thinks that dystopia comes from the word "despair"! And what does this means? This means that despair can create an environment, or an imaginary world, in which everything perceived by the imaginer (sp?) appears to be characterized by MISERY AND LACK OF HOPE. It is written in chinese as "jue wang" and in japanese as "zetsubou". The kanji are the same.

Such onset of dystopia can be a direct result of mental trauma, such as that of an exam that is exceedingly difficult and destroys all hope a student has, or a self-induced disease in which the imaginer (sp?) carves a world of complete darkness and devoid of happiness and somehow casts himself into the world, believing it to be real.

The author of this blog has been affected by the former, and thus Roger Wilco is here once again to take over the annoyance of updating a blog. Here comes the usual interview style, over a supposed telephone line:

Roger Wilco: Is everything alright there, owner?
Owner: Yes I think.. it looks dark around me and.. (trails off)
Roger Wilco: Was the exam really that ownage?
Owner: No, not really.. maybe a D grade or .. (trails off again)
Roger Wilco: Are you sure your okay?!
Owner: (Lots of static and finished with a beep)

As you can see, Roger Wilco is unable to deduce any form of happiness emanating from our author, and it is thus concluded that he has entered Dystopia! Now for our next update, we wait to see whether he will come out of Dystopia unchanged, changed for the better, changed for the worse, or will he come out at all.

--
Signing off,
Roger Wilco Jr,Sr,XP (now vista compatible) Phd, MD, Bsc (Hons) .. etc.

a day before an exam

it's the day before the exam (or rather, the day itself it's 1227am), i should really be doing my final revision.. but I find myself being distracted by the slightest of things and read about 1 page per hour - to this, it accentuates the fact that I'm not ready to study. And I've wasted too much time this semester it's an effect irrevocable and not repairable.

i'll probably get D-C grades this semester, and I shall make a resolution for next semester to dedicate an hour each day to revise what I've learnt that weeek/day. should I have something on, i'll dedicate 2 hours to that day before or after to compensate. i'm simply not the type that can study alot in the wee hours now, not like last time when it was easy to absorb. i blame the army for this and myself for my weak character.

the purpose in life, to which that eludes many of us, yet has always been there. could be just to live life as one would envision to be courageous and a memory worthy to others. indeed, such ideas are supported and created by the society we live in. to once again re-discover myself, i must walk around the world with my two feet, touch what will be before me, and feel for myself how big the world truly is, how insignificant such worrying thoughts are.

Pictures again!

Well here comes at assortment of pics from my house..

First up...

 

My computer!! Check out the disgusting thing logged.. its the GPU.

 

Here's a ship found in my hse.. not sure how it landed there though. POTC?

 

A painting in my house. No, wait. It's actually a JIGSAW puzzle!

 

And lastly... its the cake.

The SwiFt

And.. time to publish a few pictures. Been a very long time since I did so!

Today's pics are related to the SWIFT :) which is the car i've been driving around...

 

 

 

emulsified

I wonder if anyone stills read this blog? If someone does, I'm sure that person is a sentimental person.

Gradually, it holds truer and truer to me that i'm always looking to discover the psychology of humans. As i observe the way of how i myself handle stress, settlings things the typical way, I begin to think that these are traits parallel to other people too. As I looked at myself from a distant angle, with detached thought and emotions, I understood the people around me too. I understood people whom I have never met before as if they are my own kin. The ability to predict those humane reactions was all too straightforward, and sometimes the thought to pre-empt that which is easy to predict is so enticing that it lingers on treachery.

Oh yes, the desire to win is so challenging and thrilling. Like power. To win gives you triumph, and that is a sign of a tyrant. Rage.

Yet as time progresses, it becomes harder and harder to rediscover yourself and to rein your temper, your mischieviousness in. It becomes difficult to command your own body and one may not even realise it. Slowly, you realise that there's a stranger in you.

That stranger, imbued with a stoic nature and devoid of feelings appears to be strong all the time. Dependable. To execute things without hesitation, not afraid of failure, how remarkable. Slowly, you step aside and let the stranger take stride, allowing its majestic steps to invigorate you. And you bask in its glory, protected by its holy armor. Yes, like an invincible armor shrouded around you, hiding you at all times. But something feels wrong. Very wrong.

Because you aren't yourself anymore. You lose the side of you which your friends have counted on and came to trust, the irrational side of you rippling with weaknesses both physical and mental, that which they have come to understand and come to terms with. Someone whose will can be broken and then repaired is so tantalizingly lovable. Someone whom another can relate to is so regarded and treasured.

I often question myself.

Is being perfect a symbol of power? Or a symbol of the solitary? Or a symbol of sadness?

Is being not perfect good? Is it... irresistable?

As each of us strive towards perfection, such as that of scoring 100 points in an exam, surely we must question ourselves why do we do that? Does it serve a purpose? Yes I want to get into the Dean's good books, so says guy A. Yes I want to prove to myself I can do it, so says guy B. And lots of other reasons, all admirable and commendable. Yet often, if we break it down, maybe the real reason is, we just wanna do it. No reason. It's simply a want. Yea I want to achieve something. But ultimately, it's just a want. It may even bother on hypocrisy.

Inevitably, this post becomes dragged, repetitious and no longer serves a purpose. Each paragraph is alien to the other, and there are no conclusions, no ending. Such describes my life. Drifting around without a purpose, yet trying to find a purpose. Even at this point, it may seem revelatory, but it is just another hopeless, dignified way to end a post. And to this melancholic end, we pray.

and the last thought - why do people use strike throughs?

Life as a student again

How do I put this across ? Life for me as a student has started again in early August, and about 2 months has passed since. I wasn't sure whether studying was for me then, I am still not sure now. There was no spiritual progress. These 2 months was akin to a long hideous, agonizing, slippery drop into a hole so dark, so utterly discouraging, that you wouldn't want to live life. Well I suppose I overexaggerated it a lot. I aint suicidal or anything like that. Just, often asking my purpose in life.

Or am I asking for a purpose in life, rather then what is my purpose. Lord I pray that the true purpose of life will come to me. And I shall do a little exercise described in a certain article to discover my own definition of my purpose in life.

An Utopian Society .. or not?

I suppose, that for a long time I've not updated this little blog of mine. It is time I guess, when a person needs to share a little of what he has learned, or to express little nuances that he has been harbouring.

I'm very tired. I did a run two days ago, and I also did some push ups and sit ups along the way. I did some office work, and done some talking and played some games. But those are not the reasons why I'm tired. I'm because I've been thinking about my future. One person in this world, with a rather uncaring family, has to begin his first step into the terribly harsh world. He is at a crossroad, one which no matter which direction he takes, he will have to put in his best in it. If he made an error, he may not have the chance or the will to change his path - I'm that man who is in a fix, always questioning myself. What is my passion, what is the thing I would want to do for the rest of my life? Everyday, I ask myself this question, everyday I procrastinated and avoided answering it. I know, deep down, I want to be a man who's remembered by many. Yet, I'm also a lazy person, often not putting in my life for a subject. I almost always quit half way, and ended up doing a half-assed job.

Is this what I really am? A maggot?

Am I capable of more? How can I push myself?

I suppose that I've reached the point where playing games everyday does not satisfy myself anymore. I used to game 5 hours a day, and never care to think too much about my future. I was in a way, overly and overtly confident of my own abilities. I thought that it will never be too late, that procrastination is an art. I suppose I was naive. I could see the faults and flaws in others, I flogged the syncophants walking around, and try to extenuate my own disgust of myself. I now know all this has to end. Everything comes to an end.

I've no passion of anything besides learning. I want to spread this vital information, that the love to learn precedes over others. Yet I've my doubts. Am I right? No, I don't think I am. I've been living a life of desultory, often moving from one point to another without much of a thought.

I'm tired of thinking about all these things and doing nothing about it. I really want to scream and kill people. I really want to think less. I thought maybe, I know too much. I began to think, maybe ignorance is bliss after all.

I began to find objects and entities to blame. I asked myself, why is deciding a course to study so difficult? Why is it that the course I want to study in is so hard to get in? Why do they have to make it so hard? I wish this society was shaped by my ideas. I wanted it to be utopia, where everyone gets to do what they love to. Could such a world work? I wanted to believe it could. In some way, I created and theorised such a society, with many assumptions and lies to make it look like it could work. And again, I find myself in contradiction with myself. It seemed like once again, not only am I a selfish person, I lack the correct feelings. I seem to have this unusual proclivity of questioning myself alot.

I looked back at my past. Through this magical window, I saw how childish I was, and how incredulously stupid I was. How vastly vapid was myself I thought. And these are things I will never destroy nor remove. These are moments which I must remember and constantly reproach myself for. I must learn from my past and move. I must be on the move. Moving from this point which I've been stuck in for the past 15 years.

I'm really tired.