An Utopian Society .. or not?

I suppose, that for a long time I've not updated this little blog of mine. It is time I guess, when a person needs to share a little of what he has learned, or to express little nuances that he has been harbouring.

I'm very tired. I did a run two days ago, and I also did some push ups and sit ups along the way. I did some office work, and done some talking and played some games. But those are not the reasons why I'm tired. I'm because I've been thinking about my future. One person in this world, with a rather uncaring family, has to begin his first step into the terribly harsh world. He is at a crossroad, one which no matter which direction he takes, he will have to put in his best in it. If he made an error, he may not have the chance or the will to change his path - I'm that man who is in a fix, always questioning myself. What is my passion, what is the thing I would want to do for the rest of my life? Everyday, I ask myself this question, everyday I procrastinated and avoided answering it. I know, deep down, I want to be a man who's remembered by many. Yet, I'm also a lazy person, often not putting in my life for a subject. I almost always quit half way, and ended up doing a half-assed job.

Is this what I really am? A maggot?

Am I capable of more? How can I push myself?

I suppose that I've reached the point where playing games everyday does not satisfy myself anymore. I used to game 5 hours a day, and never care to think too much about my future. I was in a way, overly and overtly confident of my own abilities. I thought that it will never be too late, that procrastination is an art. I suppose I was naive. I could see the faults and flaws in others, I flogged the syncophants walking around, and try to extenuate my own disgust of myself. I now know all this has to end. Everything comes to an end.

I've no passion of anything besides learning. I want to spread this vital information, that the love to learn precedes over others. Yet I've my doubts. Am I right? No, I don't think I am. I've been living a life of desultory, often moving from one point to another without much of a thought.

I'm tired of thinking about all these things and doing nothing about it. I really want to scream and kill people. I really want to think less. I thought maybe, I know too much. I began to think, maybe ignorance is bliss after all.

I began to find objects and entities to blame. I asked myself, why is deciding a course to study so difficult? Why is it that the course I want to study in is so hard to get in? Why do they have to make it so hard? I wish this society was shaped by my ideas. I wanted it to be utopia, where everyone gets to do what they love to. Could such a world work? I wanted to believe it could. In some way, I created and theorised such a society, with many assumptions and lies to make it look like it could work. And again, I find myself in contradiction with myself. It seemed like once again, not only am I a selfish person, I lack the correct feelings. I seem to have this unusual proclivity of questioning myself alot.

I looked back at my past. Through this magical window, I saw how childish I was, and how incredulously stupid I was. How vastly vapid was myself I thought. And these are things I will never destroy nor remove. These are moments which I must remember and constantly reproach myself for. I must learn from my past and move. I must be on the move. Moving from this point which I've been stuck in for the past 15 years.

I'm really tired.